Thursday, November 20, 2008

Episode 38 -- Bail Water, Bail Water!

Inside a duffel bag, tied up in duct tape, stuffed into a storage canister, at the bottom of a deep lake there was a secret. That secret was the body of a once-powerful man, the Chancellor of the Former Checker. Once known as Little Jimbo, the Chancellor had inherited his father's industrial fortune. Unfortunately, he made the wrong people angry. This is what brought him to his present predicament.

Bride Lake, where the Chancellor was spending his retirement, was surrounded by electric fences, and the area surrounding the lake was guarded by hungry coyotes. Even so, it was not a difficult task for the Seven Angry Soldiers to dispatch their animal foes and to make their way under the cover of darkness to the lake's edge.

Once there, they fulfilled their mission without a sound. A very large raft suddenly inflated, and two of the men rowed it as the others used sonic equipment to probe the depths of Bride Lake. After several moments, one of the men held his fist in the air -- a signal for the rowers to stop rowing. The men dropped an anchor, and four SCUBA divers entered the water as silently as fish. A few minutes later, they surfaced with their prize: the chancellor's corpse.

By the next morning, the Seven Angry Soldiers were on planes to different parts of the world, and the rotting corpse of the Chancellor of the Former Checker lie on a slab at Area 61. In front of the hideously twisted body stood three doctors; on the other side of the table, pondering his own origin, was the Obese American.

"You're going to resurrect THAT?" Our hero was both astonished and gagging at the same time.
"Gentlemen," said one of the doctors, "we can rebuild him."
Another doctor turned to our hero and asked, "Did you bring the Vodan device?" The rotund one produced a small sphere that was connected to eight pods so that the object resembled a metallic spider. He nodded, still shuddering at the sight of the corpse.
The two remaining doctors had just finished extracting the Chancellor's brain from what was left of his body. The brain smelled of formaldehyde, sweat, and decaffeinated coffee. After placing the Vodan spider in a position around the brain, they smiled at one another and took the brain into another room. The Obese American could only wait.

About ten minutes later, Lectros strode into the room. Lectros was a fellow member of HERO Inc. who also had top-level CIA clearance. His presence was unusual in this situation, given that the CIA was not supposed to know about the medical procedure that was taking place next door. Lectros and our hero greeted one another, and then the operative continued:
"That's quite a sight," he said. The Obese American concurred.
"Are you sure this guy can help?"
"I'm fairly sure of it," reported the Large One with certainty. "He and the budget-cutting forces were great opponents back when he was ... when he was alive."
"Those guys know what they're doing. I'm sure your man will be back on his feet in no time."

Lectros was sure, but the Spirit of America was filled with doubts. Within five minutes' time those doubts were removed, for into the room strode the scientists together with a fully restored Chancellor. "I hear that I have you to thank for my revival," he said. Our hero acknowledged it humbly. "When the time comes, you'll be rewarded. Meanwhile, we've got to get to work. Explain the situation to me."

Both the Obese American and Lectros relayed what they knew, and what the FBI and other authorities had been able to learn. Elections were being rigged all around the country, and money was missing everywhere; indeed, it seemed to be oozing from every one of the nation's pores. Some were advocating stealing money from the people, but others were rumored to be killing off their opponents in order to cut costs. One college reportedly solved its financial woes by murdering one of its own employees and collecting the insurance money, although even the presence of on of the nation's best detectives could not prove that the college was responsible for the murder.

"The situation is hideous," the Chancellor said. "I'll get right on this." He charged out of the room like a rogue rhinoceros, leaving the others gaping. The next day, the newspapers heralded the headline: Former Checker Returns -- Seeks Grant from Mafia. Indeed, the Chancellor was working on the problem, but he intended to solve it in his own way. "I've only made things worse," Bobby (OA) Yokel mumbled to himself while reading the morning news and eating a twelve-egg cheese omelet.

Another day passed, and the Chancellor of the Former Checker appeared on television. "I'll be brief," he said. And indeed his remarks were pithy. "I challenge the governor of this state to a high-stakes cage match. If he wins, I'll help him carve the budget like a turkey, but if I win, he has to find funding for the whole economy." The governor returned the challenge with one change: "The battle will be a grudge match -- to the death."

NEXT: Enter The Spoiler

Friday, November 7, 2008

Episode 37 -- The Winner Is...

Before Bobby Yokel had the accident that turned him into the Obese American, he was a mediocre attorney. Now he was much more than that: he was a mediocre attorney who doubled as a superhero. This fact became quite relevant when the Lost Wages mayoral race turned into such a blame game that lawyers were called upon to decide the fate of the city.

One woman, a rising star in the political sphere, disappeared mysteriously. The finger-pointing was so intense that the media outlets became consumed with it. One paper, the Moon, reported that Johan Barley must be responsible, since his opponents in the race had nothing to gain. The other paper, the Rotten Journalism, blamed Ashcan Goombah. "After all," the editorial ran, "Goombah is behind just about every other crooked enterprise in town. If he's guilty of fraud, then why not murder?" Goombah's people countered with a full-page ad in the moon proclaiming his outrage.

It continued like this for several weeks, with Bobby Yokel counseling Mayor Goombah to stay out of the political mud war. The reporters, however, seemed privy to every detail of the candidates' lives, for news about Goombah's partying and his opponents' wives' spending habits made the front page on a daily basis. Bobby wondered where these leaks were coming from, and he was unsuccessful at getting a judge to grant an injunction against printing such stories.

All at once in October, the tall tales died down -- as though the wind had been taken out of them. A new rumor about the state's financial situation began with whispers. By November, those whispers had turned into roars. So much money was suddenly missing from the state's leaky coffers that every department and bureau would have to reduce next year's budget by 10%...no, 14%...no, 20%!

The city of Lost Wages itself wound up cutting its staff by 34% to keep up with the downward spiral. Someone had spent $150,000 on clothing, but no one knew who had done it. Millions had gone toward polling, but again no one was responsible. Because of his connection to the case, Bobby Yokel was in court nearly every day, arguing for one action or another. Each one of his judicial appeals was denied.

Meanwhile, subliminal attacks on Mayor Goombah continued to pour out over the air waves. The people now hated him, but due to the massive morass of mudslinging they hated everyone else just as much. On election day, it occurred that there were more votes for mayor than there were registered voters in the city. This prompted several stages of recounting, with the attorneys riding shotgun over the process.

A group called OAK -- apparently a gang called "Obese American Killers" -- was accused of creating thousands of false ballots, but none of the charges stuck. Meanwhile, Johan Barley and the thirteen Lieges held secret talks -- even as the mayoral race was being decided. Three times the votes were counted, and three times the voting ended in a tie.

Marta Teufel was present on that deciding day, volunteering her own coin for the purpose of determining the winner. It was a two-headed coin, and she assigned "heads" to her good friend and political ally, Alberto Potter. How was it possible that Potter wound up in this situation, when his fates had been determined? No one knew, and yet, there they were: Potter and Goombah, staring at a shiny piece of metal with their fates in the balance.

While the coin was in the air, in strode Governor Lemur. Deftly, he snatched the coin from the atmosphere and strode to the center of the gathering. "I have declared martial law in the city," he said. "Until such time -- if any -- as I determine otherwise, there exists a state of financial exigency here. This election itself has cost taxpayers too much money. Goombah, you will retain your office until further notice."

The witnesses, among them our hero, were stunned senseless. Bobby muttered a nonsense syllable under his breath. THIS was how it ended? It couldn't be over! The governor paused, then spoke again: "Potter...due to the spending policies that you advocated on the radio, I order you to be incarcerated for a period of no less than thirty years." He snapped his fingers, and the police pounced on Potter.

Marta Teufel reached into her purse, where there rested a carefully-concealed luger. She glanced around at the number of people she would have to kill in order to get her way, and then she withdrew her hand...empty. There would be another day for the execution of enemies of her reich, but for now she would bide her time. She stared at Bobby, and a cold chill went up his spine. Or perhaps it was merely a draft in the air.

NEXT: Awaken the Chancellor