Episode 35 -- The Secret Candidates

Now convinced that subliminal messages were being used to spawn hatred against the city's mayor, the Obese American set out to help save Lost Wages. His geek friends had tracked down the source of the mysterious pop songs containing subliminal messages. With the election coming rapidly, he thought, he'd better move fast. His size, however, greatly restricted his ability to move fast.

Meanwhile, in another secret laboratory somewhere in East Lost Wages, the kettle of paranoia was boiling. Marta Teufel and several skinhead compatriots were fuming about the upcoming election.

"Mayor Goombah's poll numbers are way down," one of the skinheads said, rubbing the swastika on his bald pate. "This is great news."
"No, this is terrible news," Ms. Teufel growled. "People should be calling for change now, and they're not. Even worse, there's news of a conspiracy."
"I didn't hear about any conspiracy," the second Nazi skinhead said. This man's eyes were sunk so deeply into his head that he appeared to have none at all.
"There's always a conspiracy," Marta snapped. "Haven't you heard about the Barley ploy?"
"You mean the rumor that wealthy financier Johan Barley is going to run for mayor?"
"Oh, he's not running for mayor," she sneered, "He's lobbying the city council to have him installed as mayor. It will be a coronation."
The second skinhead pondered this for a moment. Then he asked, "How do we know that's happening?"
Marta Teufel drew her luger from its holster, and with an unexpected swiftness she jammed its barrel into the lackey's ear. "You idiot," she proclaimed. "Of course that's what's happening. That's exactly what I tried to do last year in the presidential primary. He's copying me."

Also present in the room with Marta Teufel were three silent Nazis. Together the skinheads constituted a group of five. When they realized that such a conspiracy might indeed become a reality, they began dashing about the room willy-nilly, knocking over chairs and bumping into the walls. The two skinheads with whom she was conversing were no less frightened, and the man with the gun to his head began to weep bitterly.

"Ach!" The first skinhead now had a look of terror on his face. "They can't sneak Johan Barley in there. His administration would be just as hostile toward us as Mayor Goombah's!"
"It gets worse," Marta said lowly -- as though someone might be listening in. "I have heard that one of the thirteen lieges...."
"Powerful politicians who control education in the state," the second Nazi interrupted. Ms. Teufel's luger was still pointed at his head.
After glaring at the interruption, Marta continued, "...one of them belongs to the group called Barley's Buddies. She had been planning to leave her vast fortune to her French poodle, Snuffy. Instead, she's going to pay off the council so that they'll install Barley as mayor."
"We have to stop this!" The first Nazi was dripping a cold sweat. Meanwhile, the three silent Nazis were so agitated that they were slamming into one another. Then, almost in unison, they began cutting themselves with razor blades.

"I have a crafty plan that will preserve our legacy." Ms. Teufel grinned an evil, Grinch-like smile, and the others stopped what they were doing. Immediately, all eyes were riveted on her. Every ear was bent toward her.
"We'll manipulate a politician -- a slicker one than Barley -- into secretly running for mayor. Then, we'll pay the council even more money to have him installed instead of Barley. Best yet, if they don't install our man as mayor, we'll torture them to death!"

It took a moment for the plan to sink in, but when the group of five understood they began to applaud. As was often the case, Ms. Teufel basked in the glow of her own brilliance. Then the second skinhead interrupted her grandstanding with a question. "But who will be our candidate? Who's smoother than Barley?"

"I know just the man: crafty as a snake but pliable. He'll do anything for fortune and fame. Alberto Potter is the one." She cackled wildly, and the others cheered. She ushered the others out of the room quickly, keeping only the second skinhead behind -- the one with the sunken eyes.

"We need to rally people behind our party," she said. "They won't accept our candidate unless we can win their hearts." The skinhead nodded, and she continued. "But what if Johan Barley murdered one our fellow Nazis in cold blood," she suggested.
"Will he do that?"
"They'll think he did that, and perception is all that matters."
The skinhead nodded again, smiling. It was his last action. Although it would later be said that Barley's Buddies were responsible, Marta Teufel had drawn a knife from her belt and had ended the unfortunate man's life.

NEXT: the Hairy Potter

Episode 34 -- Another Layer of the Onion

Following mysterious clues was far from the strong suit of the astonishing superhero, the Obese American. Truth be told, his greatest skill was probably speed-eating. Nevertheless, with the fate of the city of Lost Wages at stake, and with its mayor, Ashcan Goombah, pleading with him constantly, the power of the American dream sustained our hero -- to the point of uncovering a dastardly plot.

"At first I wasn't sure they were trying to kill me because of this investigation," he told the mayor, "but now I'm certain that they want me off this case." The American wiped his brow, downed a lard smoothie, and stared at a handful of papers.
"What have you discovered?" Mayor Goombah seldom looked nervous, but this was a rare day for him.
"Hmm...I'm not sure...." That made the mayor even more uptight, but the American continued speaking:
"The blog entries I found the other day alluded to some sort of voting campaign. They mentioned a series of pro-voting songs. I downloaded the music to my iPod Nano (TM), and there's something fishy about it."
"Fishy? We have an organization in town called PISCES!"

Mayor Goombah was referring to the clandestine group whose acronym stood for Plotting In Secrecy to Control Everything Subversively. The Obese American had dealings with them before, during the Great Water Grab.

"No, that's not what I mean," he replied. "The songs themselves were bland pop songs. They sort of reminded me of that singer, Bratney."
"Nobody listens to her anymore, bubbala. She's totally last week."
"Uh...I know that. But the music...never mind. Anyway, I transferred the files to a computer and had some geeks look at it. This is their report."
Mayor Goombah glanced at the pages in the fat one's gloved-but-sweaty hand. "Always trust the geeks," he said, as if he had nothing else to say.
"Ah, yes," continued the enormous hero. "They're convinced that the music contains subliminal messages. The first message seemed harmless, telling people to save their money, but this came just before the economic slowdown here in Lost Wages."
"You think they're manipulating the economy?"

The Obese American pondered the possibility of someone using music to control people's minds. It seemed crazy to him, and yet in this case it almost had to be true. "The next message said, 'Nazis are fun.' I don't know what THAT meant, but the third message was the most obvious. While the song itself was all about getting out to vote, the embedded message told people to hate you."

"What exactly did it say?" The mayor's nervousness was now even more manifest. His voice was weak, and his brow was dripping perspiration.
"Don't trust Goombah. Hate Goombah. Stop Goombah."
The mayor gasped. "No wonder my poll numbers are down!"
"So, you believe this subliminal stuff?"
"I have no choice," he replied. His anxiety had begun to transform into anger. "Who's behind this?!"
"Well....Do you have an organized neo-Nazi group in this city?" The Obese American was tentative about this as he said it, but his instincts were on the mark. "I always suspect a conspiracy," he added, and indeed, many Americans do believe at least one conspiracy theory.
"Not that I know of. Can you find out?"
"Oh, yeah," the tubby one blurted out confidently. "Whatever's going on, I'll have it figured out soon."

Soon indeed...

Next: Be a Smarty