Episode 31 -- Achtung

Marta Teufel was the kind of woman who ate puppies for breakfast. In school, she was voted "Most Likely to Commit Patricide." She once had a husband whom she poisoned just to watch him die. These days, Marta works for a man known to her only as the Skinny Nazi, but she has dreams of controlling humanity one day. Marta works with skinhead gangs in the city of Lost Wages.

Kindwhile, the American dream has been summoned to the White House for a secret conference with President Bush:

"This is why I asked you to come here: the FBI director has been reading a lot of blogs dealing with domestic terror. We need someone to track down any would be attackers and bring them to justice. Are you up to it?"
"I suppose I might be able to do something, but I'm curious. Why didn't you call HERO Inc.?"
"Most of them are in space right now."
"Shouldn't I convene the Legion of Fat Heroes?"
"They're handling a famine in Africa."
"Then I'm your man!"
"My advisor, Bob, believes you can stop these terrorists. Are you sure you can help?"

Our hero looked over at the man known only as "Bob." His hair was dark and slicked back. Both his chin and his nose were significantly longer than average, but there was a twinkle in his eye -- as though he represented the spirit of a calmer time.

"Sir, I don't believe American can ever be defeated!" The hero looked unshaken as he uttered these words. Bob replied with a warning: "Be careful, oh lardacious one! Your arrogance may result in defeat. Why, when a friend and I were on the road to Tehran...."

Bob began a tale of great heroism, but even while he spoke, the Skinny Nazi was plotting against our hero. "Call our people in Nevada. Ze Obese American almost discovered our plans last week. Ve vill deshtrakt der Grosschen Amerikaner and deshtroy his character. Once he is out of ze vay, ve will eliminate Congress. Do this now!"
His lackeys shouted, "Jawohl!" as they went on to do his bidding.

Soon, Bobby "TOA" Yokel returns home via Meteor Airlines' finest jet. Away from Washington, his thoughts drift into other areas: "I should sue the airline. Surely I'm not over the weight limit!" And yet, this matters very little in the overall scheme of things, for the Skinny Nazi has contacted Marta Teufel. In the basement of a meth lab in Lost Wages, Teufel rubs the X-shaped scar on her forehead and smiles. She has a suitable plan.

"Mayor Goombah is too self-centered to be of any use to us. His career needs to be destroyed. We'll spread lies about him during the election period, rig the election, and put Nazis in charge. Heh-heh-heh! The Furor will be pleased. Finally, the whole state will bow to my will and worship me!"

Three days later, Mayor Ashcan Goombah learned of the developing plot. His assistant, Polly Sigh, brought him the bad news shortly after his weekly radio address to the Lost Wagen masses. He was not amused.

"What? A smear campaign against me?!"
"Yes, yeronnah."
"Call the casino mafia. Rub the bums out!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor. They won't get involved."
"Then call Senator Reek. I donated a fortune to his reelection campaign."
"The senator has vanished mysteriously."
"The teamsters?"
"Busy with a strike."

Mayor Goombah sighed a heavy sigh as he wiped his brow. If his usual allies were avoiding him, that could only mean that they were leaving him twisting in the wind. Just as Bobby Yokel was stepping off his flight at McCareless Airport, the mayor uttered the last phrase he ever thought he would bring himself to say: "Well...Call the Obese American."

NEXT: Gang War