Friday, November 7, 2008

Episode 37 -- The Winner Is...

Before Bobby Yokel had the accident that turned him into the Obese American, he was a mediocre attorney. Now he was much more than that: he was a mediocre attorney who doubled as a superhero. This fact became quite relevant when the Lost Wages mayoral race turned into such a blame game that lawyers were called upon to decide the fate of the city.

One woman, a rising star in the political sphere, disappeared mysteriously. The finger-pointing was so intense that the media outlets became consumed with it. One paper, the Moon, reported that Johan Barley must be responsible, since his opponents in the race had nothing to gain. The other paper, the Rotten Journalism, blamed Ashcan Goombah. "After all," the editorial ran, "Goombah is behind just about every other crooked enterprise in town. If he's guilty of fraud, then why not murder?" Goombah's people countered with a full-page ad in the moon proclaiming his outrage.

It continued like this for several weeks, with Bobby Yokel counseling Mayor Goombah to stay out of the political mud war. The reporters, however, seemed privy to every detail of the candidates' lives, for news about Goombah's partying and his opponents' wives' spending habits made the front page on a daily basis. Bobby wondered where these leaks were coming from, and he was unsuccessful at getting a judge to grant an injunction against printing such stories.

All at once in October, the tall tales died down -- as though the wind had been taken out of them. A new rumor about the state's financial situation began with whispers. By November, those whispers had turned into roars. So much money was suddenly missing from the state's leaky coffers that every department and bureau would have to reduce next year's budget by 10%...no, 14%...no, 20%!

The city of Lost Wages itself wound up cutting its staff by 34% to keep up with the downward spiral. Someone had spent $150,000 on clothing, but no one knew who had done it. Millions had gone toward polling, but again no one was responsible. Because of his connection to the case, Bobby Yokel was in court nearly every day, arguing for one action or another. Each one of his judicial appeals was denied.

Meanwhile, subliminal attacks on Mayor Goombah continued to pour out over the air waves. The people now hated him, but due to the massive morass of mudslinging they hated everyone else just as much. On election day, it occurred that there were more votes for mayor than there were registered voters in the city. This prompted several stages of recounting, with the attorneys riding shotgun over the process.

A group called OAK -- apparently a gang called "Obese American Killers" -- was accused of creating thousands of false ballots, but none of the charges stuck. Meanwhile, Johan Barley and the thirteen Lieges held secret talks -- even as the mayoral race was being decided. Three times the votes were counted, and three times the voting ended in a tie.

Marta Teufel was present on that deciding day, volunteering her own coin for the purpose of determining the winner. It was a two-headed coin, and she assigned "heads" to her good friend and political ally, Alberto Potter. How was it possible that Potter wound up in this situation, when his fates had been determined? No one knew, and yet, there they were: Potter and Goombah, staring at a shiny piece of metal with their fates in the balance.

While the coin was in the air, in strode Governor Lemur. Deftly, he snatched the coin from the atmosphere and strode to the center of the gathering. "I have declared martial law in the city," he said. "Until such time -- if any -- as I determine otherwise, there exists a state of financial exigency here. This election itself has cost taxpayers too much money. Goombah, you will retain your office until further notice."

The witnesses, among them our hero, were stunned senseless. Bobby muttered a nonsense syllable under his breath. THIS was how it ended? It couldn't be over! The governor paused, then spoke again: "Potter...due to the spending policies that you advocated on the radio, I order you to be incarcerated for a period of no less than thirty years." He snapped his fingers, and the police pounced on Potter.

Marta Teufel reached into her purse, where there rested a carefully-concealed luger. She glanced around at the number of people she would have to kill in order to get her way, and then she withdrew her hand...empty. There would be another day for the execution of enemies of her reich, but for now she would bide her time. She stared at Bobby, and a cold chill went up his spine. Or perhaps it was merely a draft in the air.

NEXT: Awaken the Chancellor

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