Thursday, November 20, 2008

Episode 38 -- Bail Water, Bail Water!

Inside a duffel bag, tied up in duct tape, stuffed into a storage canister, at the bottom of a deep lake there was a secret. That secret was the body of a once-powerful man, the Chancellor of the Former Checker. Once known as Little Jimbo, the Chancellor had inherited his father's industrial fortune. Unfortunately, he made the wrong people angry. This is what brought him to his present predicament.

Bride Lake, where the Chancellor was spending his retirement, was surrounded by electric fences, and the area surrounding the lake was guarded by hungry coyotes. Even so, it was not a difficult task for the Seven Angry Soldiers to dispatch their animal foes and to make their way under the cover of darkness to the lake's edge.

Once there, they fulfilled their mission without a sound. A very large raft suddenly inflated, and two of the men rowed it as the others used sonic equipment to probe the depths of Bride Lake. After several moments, one of the men held his fist in the air -- a signal for the rowers to stop rowing. The men dropped an anchor, and four SCUBA divers entered the water as silently as fish. A few minutes later, they surfaced with their prize: the chancellor's corpse.

By the next morning, the Seven Angry Soldiers were on planes to different parts of the world, and the rotting corpse of the Chancellor of the Former Checker lie on a slab at Area 61. In front of the hideously twisted body stood three doctors; on the other side of the table, pondering his own origin, was the Obese American.

"You're going to resurrect THAT?" Our hero was both astonished and gagging at the same time.
"Gentlemen," said one of the doctors, "we can rebuild him."
Another doctor turned to our hero and asked, "Did you bring the Vodan device?" The rotund one produced a small sphere that was connected to eight pods so that the object resembled a metallic spider. He nodded, still shuddering at the sight of the corpse.
The two remaining doctors had just finished extracting the Chancellor's brain from what was left of his body. The brain smelled of formaldehyde, sweat, and decaffeinated coffee. After placing the Vodan spider in a position around the brain, they smiled at one another and took the brain into another room. The Obese American could only wait.

About ten minutes later, Lectros strode into the room. Lectros was a fellow member of HERO Inc. who also had top-level CIA clearance. His presence was unusual in this situation, given that the CIA was not supposed to know about the medical procedure that was taking place next door. Lectros and our hero greeted one another, and then the operative continued:
"That's quite a sight," he said. The Obese American concurred.
"Are you sure this guy can help?"
"I'm fairly sure of it," reported the Large One with certainty. "He and the budget-cutting forces were great opponents back when he was ... when he was alive."
"Those guys know what they're doing. I'm sure your man will be back on his feet in no time."

Lectros was sure, but the Spirit of America was filled with doubts. Within five minutes' time those doubts were removed, for into the room strode the scientists together with a fully restored Chancellor. "I hear that I have you to thank for my revival," he said. Our hero acknowledged it humbly. "When the time comes, you'll be rewarded. Meanwhile, we've got to get to work. Explain the situation to me."

Both the Obese American and Lectros relayed what they knew, and what the FBI and other authorities had been able to learn. Elections were being rigged all around the country, and money was missing everywhere; indeed, it seemed to be oozing from every one of the nation's pores. Some were advocating stealing money from the people, but others were rumored to be killing off their opponents in order to cut costs. One college reportedly solved its financial woes by murdering one of its own employees and collecting the insurance money, although even the presence of on of the nation's best detectives could not prove that the college was responsible for the murder.

"The situation is hideous," the Chancellor said. "I'll get right on this." He charged out of the room like a rogue rhinoceros, leaving the others gaping. The next day, the newspapers heralded the headline: Former Checker Returns -- Seeks Grant from Mafia. Indeed, the Chancellor was working on the problem, but he intended to solve it in his own way. "I've only made things worse," Bobby (OA) Yokel mumbled to himself while reading the morning news and eating a twelve-egg cheese omelet.

Another day passed, and the Chancellor of the Former Checker appeared on television. "I'll be brief," he said. And indeed his remarks were pithy. "I challenge the governor of this state to a high-stakes cage match. If he wins, I'll help him carve the budget like a turkey, but if I win, he has to find funding for the whole economy." The governor returned the challenge with one change: "The battle will be a grudge match -- to the death."

NEXT: Enter The Spoiler

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